Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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