dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
