sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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