a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
That's when you crack a 10am beer
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
