Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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