Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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