i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
