youre lurking in front of me
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
