She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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