Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
