I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize