chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize