I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I currently don't understand fingers.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
