god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
