i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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