I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
