So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
