im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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