Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Randomize
