i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
