Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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