I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
