I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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