Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
