Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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