Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
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