I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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