This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
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