no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
