he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
