theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
