I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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