Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
