Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
