i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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