Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
