He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Randomize
