i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize