$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
