I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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