3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
