True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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