im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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