At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
