lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
