he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
