There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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