you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
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