And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
