i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
