They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
