If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
