I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
