You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
