My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Randomize
