I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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