He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize