It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
