dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
