my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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