Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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