Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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